IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!

And now, dear children, we come to our last installment of The Batman chronicles. When last we left our hero, he was picking on the Captain America and his own charge, Robin. Tonight, the Batman comes face to face with someone who may just be more mean than he. A man with a real chip on his shoulder and a hefty anger management problem. But first . . . 


The Batman and Spiderman

There he is, folks, being a jag. The Batman doesn't like your powers, Peter Parker, or how you got them. I mean, come on, a spider?! It's kinda lame. Admit it. I grant you, it isn't as lame as the idea of Two Face. A man, who once fought for justice, falls  halfway into a vat of acid, which, as luck would inevitably have it, turned him into an insane monster who relies on a two headed coin to make the judgment of who lives and who dies. [Note: that previous sentence must be said in the voice of the moviefone guy, you know the one, with the deep voice and awesome inflection. yeah, that guy.] I've never liked Spiderman. Although, he is becoming an interweb sensation. I don't know how many of you flit on over to memebase.com, but you should. In fact, you should go here, specifically, Superhero Memes. It features a lot of Spiderman. I don't know why. Spiderman is a scrawny runt that shoots web from his hands. How does that work? He must, after being bitten, develop holes in his wrists that excrete sticky webbing. Gross. Only a teenaged boy would think of that. Also, forgive me for half-assing Spiderman's costume. I was not drawing on those lines on his suit. I am not that talented. 

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The final scene. The scene to end all scenes. Featuring my two favorite superheroes of all time. Of. All. Time. 

HAHAhahahahahaha! It's funny, right?! Because Wolverine is even more mean, crass, cold-hearted and conflicted that the Batman. And now I have the X-Men theme song (from the cartoon) and Europe's "Final Countdown" vying for top spot in my brain. I guess Europe won since I have travelled to YouTube in search of a wicked video of the song made by some random guy. Oh God, this video is so awesome. I'm gonna link it. Terribly awesome video. It has the lyrics so you can sing along and it has stills of the moon. Riveting. Now, I'm thinking of GOB (from Arrested Development) and his magic tricks. Oops, I mean, illusions.

What the world needs now is more Batman

The title of this post should be sung to the tune of Mr. Burt Bacharach's quintessential classic tune "What the world needs now is love." I love a Backarach song. This particular one was featured in Austin Powers (the first one) with a cameo by the song writer himself. So. . . yeah



I know you guys are so stoked. Two posts in as many days. It's like magic. Or I finally have some free time on my hands (and nothing left to watch on Netflix). 


Edit: about last night's post, I had a serious discussion with my dad (who is all-knowing) about the Green Lantern. I gotta say, I was wrong in my appraisal of Mr. Lantern. Dan says he was a bit of an jerk. He was all moody about some tragic murder in his past and walked around all "Hey, I'm a jerk and I'm gonna kick your ass" (Dan's words, mom, not mine). So, perhaps I jumped the gun. Maybe Green Lantern could go toe to toe with the Batman. But I'm pretty sure Christian Bale could end Ryan Reynolds and beat him in a deep voice growl off. 


I have two more cartoons. 

The Batman and Robin dynamic has always seemed rather tense to me. Robin, the young orphan, looks to Bruce "The Batman" Wayne for advice, guidance and approval. And, of course, Batman is going to be a douche and never give Robin the encouragement he needs. Also, Robin is a bit of a sissy. Who chooses a small, cute bird as their superhero name/identity? I mean, robins belong on calendars and Christmas greeting cards  not fighting crime on the mean, dark streets of Gotham. As a result, Robin will never have Batman's respect. And Batman is going to give the poor boy an eating disorder. Because that's what the Batman does. Like a boss.

I felt this was a timely pairing, given the holiday. Also, I saw the Captain America movie from the 80s(?). It was super lame and yes, his shield totally looked like a sled. The same kind Chevy Chase uses in Christmas Vacation. One can only hope that the Cap'n uses his to slide down snowy hills and through Walmart parking lots. Also, I figured that it's about time someone talk back to the Batman. And you and I both know that Captain America's rebuttal to any critique would be to attack someone's patriotism. Sadly, Batman doesn't really care. He's loyal to nothing, except justice (and other clichéd, abstract terms). Loyalty is for suckers. Right, Bruce? 

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

Everybody needs a little Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. Amirite? Of course I am. 

So, I've been working on a few things. One, which you will find posted directly below, is greeting cards for special occasions. These are occasions that Hallmark doesn't make cards for, like when one of your best friends gets ordained and moves away. You're happy and want to say congrats but you're also a little pissed and mope-y about it. I made a card to reflect that. I also made a card for someone who is incapable of sending birthday cards in a timely fashion, which, I'll have you know, is not me. I don't like tardiness so the card has some strong language. Here they are. (Oh, and if you have any ideas or requests, I'd be happy to make something special). 

I think they're pretty funny. They're watercolor on parchment. 


The second project, and my favorite by far, is a series of cartoons about Batman. I love superheroes and comic book movies. (I was never in to the actual comic books for some reason.) Let me just say, I friggin' love Batman. Always have. He was always my favorite superhero. Mostly because he's a bit of a dick. And those of you who know me well, know that I have a penchant for douchebags. What can I say, I have a type. What follows are a series of interactions between the Batman and other superheroes. But don't worry children, the Batman will soon find an equal and get his comeuppance. Without further ado. . . 

Ok, so let me explain this first one. Batman is badass and Superman is a total wussy tool. Like really, kryptonite? Come on! Also, he's an alien with superpowers, of course he's going to use them. What is his motivation? Not the savage murder of his parents right before his young and innocent eyes. Batman has no superpowers, no spider bites or special rings. He just has a massive chip on his shoulder and a butt-load of cash. Can't fault a handsome man for that. So,Superman gets pwned by the Batman, as he should. And he cries about it. Like a chump.  

I'm gonna be honest with you right now. I don't know anything about the Green Lantern. Except that he is being played on film by the buff-tastic Ryan Reynolds (who can't act his way out of a Sandra Bullock movie). I asked my dad what makes this dude so special. A ring? Seriously? I don't get it. This may be an unfair judgment but, like Batman, I don't give a crap. Also, I think if Batman ever tried to be funny, he would just sound really awkward. Can you imagine Christian Bale in his deep Batman rumbly voice tee-heeing over a lame pun? Terrible. It would be terrible. I mean, he's got threatening people and making growly sounds down to a T (or is it Tee? Whatevs). But the funny? Not so much. George Clooney. He was a funny Batman. You'd have to play it light with nipples on your suit. Man, that movie sucked. . . 

More to come. Stay tuned. 

One more thing. Dancing to Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" in your living room is one hell of a workout.